Using Declarative Language with Kids with ADHD: When Fewer Demands Create More Change

How shifting from directives to observation reduces power struggles and builds regulation

A mother once said to me,

“All I do is ask him nicely to put his shoes on, and he explodes. I don’t understand. What’s wrong with me asking him to do something?”

She wasn’t yelling. She wasn’t threatening consequences. She wasn’t being harsh.

But she was still asking.

And for her son with ADHD, the request felt like pressure.

When I train parent coaches and work with families, one truth surfaces again and again: many children with executive function challenges experience everyday language as demand-heavy. Even neutral requests can feel like commands. Even mild questions can feel like interrogation.

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That’s where the concept of declarative language becomes powerful.

Speech-language pathologist Linda Murphy has popularized the intentional use of declarative language as a supportive communication strategy, particularly within neurodivergent communities. Linguists have long distinguished declarative statements from directives, but Murphy’s contribution has been to apply this distinction to reduce pressure and build shared attention.

Declarative language shifts us from telling to sharing what we notice.

Instead of “Put your shoes on,” try, “Your shoes are by the door.”

Instead of “Why are you yelling?” try, “That sounded really loud.”

Instead of “Go start your homework,” try, “It’s 4:00. Homework time is usually around now.”

The difference may seem subtle. Neurologically, it isn’t.

Declarative language lowers the demand load. It invites awareness instead of triggering resistance. It gives the child space to respond rather than cornering them into compliance. For children whose nervous systems are already working hard to manage impulse control, working memory, and emotional regulation, that difference matters.

This isn’t permissiveness. It’s an intentional reframing.

Why This Matters for ADHD and Executive Function

In my work with parents and educators, I talk often about balancing control with connection. Many parents are uncomfortable with the word control, fearing it implies rigidity. But children do need leadership. They need guidance. They need structure.

The problem isn’t control. It’s coming across as controlling.

Controlling shows up as urgency, repetition, escalating tone, and layered demands. It shows up when a parent says, “Go upstairs, get your backpack, grab your sneakers, bring down your lunchbox, and don’t forget your water bottle,” and then feels frustrated when the child returns with only one item.

What looks like not listening is often working memory overload.

Declarative language naturally reduces that overload. It slows the pace of interaction. It gives a child’s processing speed time to catch up. It removes the immediate pressure to perform.

When we shift from interrogation to observation, from directing to sharing, we are not giving up authority. We are creating conditions for regulation. And as I often say, without calm, there is no learning. Regulation always comes before reasoning.

The Four Rs and Declarative Language

As I think about this approach, I see how deeply it aligns with the Four Rs I teach parents: Reflect, Review, Redo, Respond.

Imagine you’ve just served your child macaroni and cheese for dinner, and your child has a less-than-positive reaction.

The first step, Reflect, is declarative by nature. “I noticed you pushed your plate away.” “I heard you say you’re not eating this.” There is no accusation in that statement. No correction yet. Just observation.

Next, Review invites curiosity. “It seems like you’re frustrated.” “Did something happen earlier?” We are naming what we see, not demanding compliance.

Redo provides a chance to try again without shame. Instead of “Don’t talk like that,” we might say, “Let’s try that again in a way that helps me understand you.”

Respond comes last. Only after the child feels heard and regulated do we address the concern or set the limit.

Declarative language supports every step of this process. It lowers defensiveness. It communicates respect. It models emotional steadiness.

Why Parents Struggle With This

Most parents are not trying to control their children. They are trying to get through the day. They are trying to prevent problems. They are trying to prepare their kids for a world that will not always be patient.

But urgency often backfires, especially with neurodivergent kids. Pressure reduces access to working memory. Stress makes flexibility more difficult. Repetition increases resistance.

When parents learn to shift their language, they often report fewer power struggles. Not because they lowered expectations, but because the tone and pacing of their communication changed.

This is also why, when I train parent coaches, we focus not only on behavior strategies but on nervous system awareness and language. Language shapes climate. Climate shapes regulation. Regulation shapes behavior.

The Bigger Shift

Introducing declarative language helps parents see how communication itself can either escalate or ease cognitive load.

Children with ADHD are often working harder than they appear. Processing speed may be slower. Working memory may be weaker. Emotional regulation may be inconsistent. Every additional demand compounds that strain.

When adults move from “Do this now” to “Here’s what I notice,” something softens. And in that softening, there is room for growth.

Declarative language is one more way to move from reaction to intention, from control to leadership.

In the end, this approach reinforces a central theme of my work: we are not trying to force children into compliance. We are building capacity. We are teaching skills. We are creating a connection strong enough to hold growth.

Some families find that learning and practicing these shifts is easier with guidance. Through Parent Support at PTS Coaching, we work one-on-one to help you apply these principles in your own home, reduce daily stress, and build systems that truly fit your child.

And for professionals who feel called to bring this lens into their work with families, the ADHD Parent Coach Academy offers training in the very approaches I write and teach about - helping parents move from control to connection in practical, sustainable ways.

Whether you’re parenting or supporting parents, the goal is the same: calmer homes, stronger relationships, and children who feel understood as they build the skills they need.

Please let me know any feedback or ideas you have for future newsletters!